Is My Burmese Python Going to Kill Me?

Congress is saying the the Burmese Python is a danger to public safety. But just how dangerous are they? Here is a little perspective to give you an idea on how likely it is that your burm is going to take you out.

• Odds of falling off a ladder and dying:  1 in 2.3 million.  That works out to about 132 people every year in the United States.
  • I’m not sure which one to criminalize; being short or putting things high up in the air.  Perhaps both.  Being found guilty of one or the other should be a misdemeanor but being guilty of both (short people putting things high up in the air) has to be a felony.  The risk is too great.  People must be saved from themselves and only government can do that.  I have heard rumors that Congress will consider legislation that requires all ceilings to be no higher than 6 feet.
• Odds of being killed by a shark:  1 in 300 million.  That’s just under 1 American every year.
  • Considering the mass of humanity I see at the ocean front during the summer months its a surprise the more aren’t getting munched.
• Odds of dying when you roll out of bed while sleeping:  1 in 2 million.  That works out to about 152 people every year.
  • The lobby for the “Mattress on the Ground Mandate” is gaining momentum.  The National Association of Bedside Step Stool Manufacturers is having a fit right now.
• Odds of a left-handed person being killed while using a right-handed tool:  1 in 4.4 million.  69 Americans are killed this way every year.
  • Right-handed people should be ashamed of themselves for being in the majority and senselessly putting the lives of left-handed people at risk.  I, for one, am going left!!!  Left-handed, that is.  The other “left” is just silly.
• Odds of being killed by a falling coconut:  1 in 250 million.  That works out just under two people every year in the United States.
  • Even the vengeful coconut tree can exact its revenge for being exploited by dessert menus all over this country.  I fully support the coconut ban.  Saving one life each year is worth giving up Mounds candy bars, don’t you think?
• Odds of drowning in your bathtub:  1 in 650 thousand.  Brace yourself and hold your breath:  469 people per year die in the tub around this country.
  • Damn.
• Odds of being killed in a carnival accident:  1 in 300 million.  About one person/year.
  • It appears that carnies and sharks are equally malevolent.
• Odds of being killed by a lightning strike:  1 in 10 million.  That’s a whopping 30 people per year in the United States!
  • Despite tireless efforts by Democrats they have yet to successfully legislate the weather.  The amazingly psychotic Nancy Pelosi is reportedly furious that the weather won’t respond to her back-room dealings.
• Odds of being killed by a large constrictor:  1 in 584 million.  That works out to less than 1/2 a person every year.
  • Dare I comment?

Sources:

• http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-world/2008/05/30/scientists-calculate-odd-ways-to-die-115875-17495916/
• http://www.npg.org/facts/us_historical_pops.htm